It all started with an emptiness inside...that's where I believe the whole quest for "love" began for me. I was going through the motions of life sometimes, trying so hard to love, but never truly feeling the love recipritcated. My soul began to yearn for something more, something real, something strong, something true, something my heart desired. I must have known for sometime in retrospect, as my story unleashes....you will begin to see how this powerful craving to be loved can feel like a void needing to be filled by the ultimate gift from above that we all deserve...love.
I guess I did always want the fairytale life, and by that I do not mean to be treated like a princess. I mean the Romeo and Juliet style romance, but not to that extreme...just to be loved deeply. Do you believe in soul mates? Is this my heart has been longing for? I finally did come out of my long battle with post partum depression....only to find that I had been missing something all along. I knew deep down that I had not felt that warmth and compassion I particuraly needed at such a hard time in my life. Then, the truth became more and more apparent to me...the love was conditional upon my "good" behavior. When I acted out, when the pain was unbearable, intolerable it felt....I was alone. I took vows when I married, to be there in sickness and in health, until death do us part. So much for those vows these days. Words mean nothing unless backed my actions from the heart. This is where I knew I was very different from others. I went back and forth, for a long time inside....contemplating what to do. I knew if things stayed the same, I was doomed to keep falling into the dark, cold struggles of depression that lingered over me just waiting to come out.
I had fought too hard to get out of that one this past year with the post partum depression...I faced my demons...I told my truths and let it all out. This is how I became stronger inside....this is how I started finally loving myself for who I was...instead of hating myself for who I was not. This is how I had my "breakthrough"...not "breakdown" that would have seemed to go hand and hand based on the emotions that started to manifest from me. I was not "myself" to others, I was thought to be a "different" person....but now here I am and just look at me. See me for the truths I told...I want to now start to help others that are struggling with their emotions in this fashion as well. I am now having some new emotions to battle...but anything from here on out will be a piece of cake to get through compared to the last year and a half.
I think that blogging really helps to get the emotions that you can easily turn inwards. I once learned in nursing school that depression=anger turned inward....and never forgot it. I have worked to hard to be rid myself of this anger inside, to let this new episodic drama of events that has spun over the past couple of months take me down. Did I handle everything that came at me to satisfactory to my expectations of myself? Definitely not, but I did manage to keep my head above water and to conjore up all the strengths I have inside, to keep moving on, although I keep taking steps forward then backwards again with it all. I will not go into complete detail as I had wanted to at first when all this first started going down. I was so angry and torn inside, as I felt betrayed and never so let down in my life. The feelings would try to overtake me, I did and will not let them win. As hurt as I am, I am now starting to feel as though things happened this way for a reason. I do not know at this point the exact reason, but time will only tell. For now, I have to keep my faith strong and hope that the events that have transpired have happened as fate. Fate is determined by many things I believe....one of the biggest factors is the hearts instinct.
There are many realists, non-believers, pessimistics out there that would probably argue against me on this one....true love being very important in a marriage. I will not sit here and throw negatives out there about anyone, nor at myself for my part in this whole series of unfortunate events. Let me tell you now though, this is just the beginning of my story to be told. I want to share my story with everyone, starting of when I was younger until now, for you all to see me more clearly. I choose to share because I had a miraculous breakthrough with my emotional struggles. If this reaches others in any way at all, it may just help to bring forth hope and strength to others. It may also help others that are facing a fork in the road with their marriage, as I am at right now. My crossroad is here and my story has not ended yet. Will I get a happy ending? Yes, for this I am certain. How the cards are going to unfold and what the future brings, I do not know. Only time will tell. Stay tuned and become a follower and supporter, as this is a very difficult journey...one that I will become only stronger from...but it's like constantly getting myself out of the sinking quick sand as I go along. Thank you to all that have been there for me along the way so far. You mean the world to me....and your kindness will not go unrewarded:) Peace and love to all!!
I guess I did always want the fairytale life, and by that I do not mean to be treated like a princess. I mean the Romeo and Juliet style romance, but not to that extreme...just to be loved deeply. Do you believe in soul mates? Is this my heart has been longing for? I finally did come out of my long battle with post partum depression....only to find that I had been missing something all along. I knew deep down that I had not felt that warmth and compassion I particuraly needed at such a hard time in my life. Then, the truth became more and more apparent to me...the love was conditional upon my "good" behavior. When I acted out, when the pain was unbearable, intolerable it felt....I was alone. I took vows when I married, to be there in sickness and in health, until death do us part. So much for those vows these days. Words mean nothing unless backed my actions from the heart. This is where I knew I was very different from others. I went back and forth, for a long time inside....contemplating what to do. I knew if things stayed the same, I was doomed to keep falling into the dark, cold struggles of depression that lingered over me just waiting to come out.
I had fought too hard to get out of that one this past year with the post partum depression...I faced my demons...I told my truths and let it all out. This is how I became stronger inside....this is how I started finally loving myself for who I was...instead of hating myself for who I was not. This is how I had my "breakthrough"...not "breakdown" that would have seemed to go hand and hand based on the emotions that started to manifest from me. I was not "myself" to others, I was thought to be a "different" person....but now here I am and just look at me. See me for the truths I told...I want to now start to help others that are struggling with their emotions in this fashion as well. I am now having some new emotions to battle...but anything from here on out will be a piece of cake to get through compared to the last year and a half.
I think that blogging really helps to get the emotions that you can easily turn inwards. I once learned in nursing school that depression=anger turned inward....and never forgot it. I have worked to hard to be rid myself of this anger inside, to let this new episodic drama of events that has spun over the past couple of months take me down. Did I handle everything that came at me to satisfactory to my expectations of myself? Definitely not, but I did manage to keep my head above water and to conjore up all the strengths I have inside, to keep moving on, although I keep taking steps forward then backwards again with it all. I will not go into complete detail as I had wanted to at first when all this first started going down. I was so angry and torn inside, as I felt betrayed and never so let down in my life. The feelings would try to overtake me, I did and will not let them win. As hurt as I am, I am now starting to feel as though things happened this way for a reason. I do not know at this point the exact reason, but time will only tell. For now, I have to keep my faith strong and hope that the events that have transpired have happened as fate. Fate is determined by many things I believe....one of the biggest factors is the hearts instinct.
There are many realists, non-believers, pessimistics out there that would probably argue against me on this one....true love being very important in a marriage. I will not sit here and throw negatives out there about anyone, nor at myself for my part in this whole series of unfortunate events. Let me tell you now though, this is just the beginning of my story to be told. I want to share my story with everyone, starting of when I was younger until now, for you all to see me more clearly. I choose to share because I had a miraculous breakthrough with my emotional struggles. If this reaches others in any way at all, it may just help to bring forth hope and strength to others. It may also help others that are facing a fork in the road with their marriage, as I am at right now. My crossroad is here and my story has not ended yet. Will I get a happy ending? Yes, for this I am certain. How the cards are going to unfold and what the future brings, I do not know. Only time will tell. Stay tuned and become a follower and supporter, as this is a very difficult journey...one that I will become only stronger from...but it's like constantly getting myself out of the sinking quick sand as I go along. Thank you to all that have been there for me along the way so far. You mean the world to me....and your kindness will not go unrewarded:) Peace and love to all!!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Captivating Young Minds
After seeing my daughter's girl scout troop bridge over from daisy's to brownie's recently, I was brought to many fond memories of my own experiences as a girl scout. I feel it helped me grow and find myself, standing proud and finally using my undiscovered mind of unleashed creativity after all these years. This bridging is symbolic in terms of refection, so it was perfect to have the girls be turned around to face themselves in the brook with the guidance of their leaders, to help bring them closer to "truly" seeing their inner reflection and standing with pride. They were bridging over to new beginnings, not only as a "daisy" to a "brownie", but to the start of a journey towards getting closer to finding their very own hidden and unique individual talents. This is when I realized how important I think captivating some of these young, talented minds is, as well as beneficial to themselves and others in the world. These talented young minds are the future that truly exists around us.
These girls, along with many other striving, motivated individuals, are venturing to become- the leaders, the doctors, the nurses, the teachers, the scientists, the athletes, the artists, the pilots, the performers, the judges, the lawyers, the farmers, the engineers, the entepeaneurs, the chefs, the hard workers, the computer software developers, the bankers, and the accountants-of their generation. I feel it must be kept a priority in getting the world we live in closer to recovery mode, from one of the biggest financial upsets we will ever face. It is so important for each and everyone to see this, as I feel our country's future depends upon this investment towards a brighter tommorro. I am convinced that the closer we are to seeing this, than the closer we will be towards uncovering many of the truths of the world. The hardest part, with investing into theses children, is that certain charities don't where to put the funding when it comes to achieving the greatest possible outcome for the child to reach his or her own personal best. For certain kids to attain this level of intellectualism plus multitudes of creativity all rolled into one, it will take science and psychology time to unravel details to the undiscovered truths behind it.
These girls, along with many other striving, motivated individuals, are venturing to become- the leaders, the doctors, the nurses, the teachers, the scientists, the athletes, the artists, the pilots, the performers, the judges, the lawyers, the farmers, the engineers, the entepeaneurs, the chefs, the hard workers, the computer software developers, the bankers, and the accountants-of their generation. I feel it must be kept a priority in getting the world we live in closer to recovery mode, from one of the biggest financial upsets we will ever face. It is so important for each and everyone to see this, as I feel our country's future depends upon this investment towards a brighter tommorro. I am convinced that the closer we are to seeing this, than the closer we will be towards uncovering many of the truths of the world. The hardest part, with investing into theses children, is that certain charities don't where to put the funding when it comes to achieving the greatest possible outcome for the child to reach his or her own personal best. For certain kids to attain this level of intellectualism plus multitudes of creativity all rolled into one, it will take science and psychology time to unravel details to the undiscovered truths behind it.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
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