It certainly has been a balancing act to let the walls come down and figure out ways to rewire my mind to perceive and interpret life experiences in a way I had never attempted in the past. However, I knew I was onto something and just had to keep going with it. My intentions were and still remain to be from the heart and deep compassion. The biggest challenge I have always faced personally stems from this drive and brain wiring. I know I am not alone when I say that it is possible to be too loving and soft, and that love and compassion would be best exemplified and compartmentalized when balanced more with the ability to express anger and frustration in a healthy way.
Often times when these emotions are off balance, it puts us on a slippery slope. Anyone that has stood on an icy hill waiting in line for sledding knows how important it is to be constantly mindful of the ice and typically it's not because we are told "be careful not to fall" by someone, yet more so because we fall and get back up again. For some of us, it takes quite a few times of falling before our mind syncs with our body. For some people it only takes once, and for some not at all. The balancing is quite important so it seems, and I have contemplated how much easier life would have been if this balance came easier. I also have thought the opposite way too, and said to myself "would you really want to go back in time if you could, and change the bad decisions you had made if you could"? Then I ponder and most often come to the conclusion that thinking this way is toxic and getting me no where closer to where I want to be in this experience called life.
We all have things we would like to change about ourselves I realize. We all make mistakes, yeah some bigger than others, and through our mistakes and the mistakes of others, we evolve and grow. I guess you could say I am making up for lost time these days and that I found my voice finally. Although I'm still fine tuning the filter, tone, and approach, I wouldn't ever want to go back to being that person that held back often and tip toed around others feelings and emotions too many occasions, either to appease, please, or go with the flow. I'm not saying that being rude and obnoxious and the loudest is the best approach either, although it certainly gets people heard and in the spotlight, Why not a balance between loud and not afraid to speak my mind on anything meets lets take it down a notch and allow for some filtering here. I certainly understand how it feels to want to scream and shout and let it all out because this is necessary for people that have held back their thoughts and opinions too many times, and appropriate in the right setting or around people that get it and don't get offended or uncomfortable with it.
Yeah, this is coming from the girl that used to have no guts. You know what people say about guts though, and no guts, no glory. No longer do I feel it pays to be silent, soft spoken, or gossip girl. Just because people think and act differently, doesn't mean that we can't coexist and see past our indifferences. We may grow at different paces, experience life on different levels, or be often dealt crappy playing cards. Whatever the case is, is it better to keep playing and journeying at life than saying game over completely? I know how it feels to want to give up, and I have been struggling for some time now with looking for the answers and way to go to get out of this maze onto a concrete path. I refuse to live in that shame, regretful, blame it all on me mode for the rest of my life. Letting the words come out now, and for those of you who are scared or taken back a little with your mouths wide open right now or maybe actually have finally gotten past that whole "oh no she didn't" thing can finally say "oh yes, she did, and I'm proud of her for finally starting to learn how to be brave". We are in different times that I have never known or experienced with such unsurity, yet I am starting to see and feel that living in fear is not the better way to experience life and give it meaning....I feel we are a brave new world that will not let fear stand in our way and set the tone anymore. So Usher, and people like you out there, you certainly are right on about love winning in the end and I can feel it growing each day. Music is what brings us all together, helps us express ourselves in healthy ways, and can be filtered easier and toned down when necessary. There certainly are those times when people take it to levels that are highly offensive as with anything though and just maybe it takes being offended or taken back speechless is the catalyst for unity by helping us to feel and understand someone else's pain or life when we have never been in their shoes, never mind shoe size. I say go try on or maybe even purchase those shoes you often look at in the shoe store saying "I would Never wear those hideous shoes and who buys those anyways" and walk around in them for at least ten minutes. I can't guarantee you that you will want to buy them or rock them out, yet possibly understand the concept that not everyone see's things the same and to someone that sports them, that's their style and to each is own with what works. It goes both ways though, and there are those that enjoy being in fashion and trendy or enjoy being more of the trend setters, I say judge not, and come together. The day we start letting go of the past and stop holding onto grudges is the day we will start feeling happiness grow again. I'm not saying to forget the past is the answer for progressive change in this new world, yet to learn from our past mistakes and finding it in our hearts to forgive, grow stronger, and take chances again that are smarter and better thought out. This didn't all come to me overnite, nor sink in right away when I first came to important realizations. For some people, maybe this will sink in quicker and you won't have to touch the flame so deeply that it burns you like I chose to do by my free will, yet I do not regret it and it has been an awakening experience that has helped me understand the world better and my personal ultimate goal lately hasn't been so much focused on finding love for or with someone else, as it has been to find the perfect love for myself. I feel that only once we learn to love ourselves for who we are despite our imperfections are we then able to love others in any type of relationship. My conclusion when it pertains to true love now is that true love can only be found when we are true to ourselves and when this happens finally, we will then be in the right place and timing to share our lives with that special someone. This has been a big eye opener indeed, yet necessary and have I been one that goes back and forth and flip flops on things, no doubt. That's what it takes sometimes and I'm so much more at peace with myself being okay with the reality that I think outside the box and can't be easily defined, as we continue to grow in certain ways throughout our entire life. Life is too short to spend it constantly trying to fit in to size 7 shoes, when your clearly a 7.5 or 8. I will end this blog here, and I hope it has helped and come out in the way I wanted it to in summarizing my interpretation of embracing your "dark" side, instead of always fearing it and living a lie. I'm certainly not afraid to take a stand like I used to be, although a little fear is good at times to guide us to be cautious. Fearless isn't about having no fear, yet to be taken literally by some that over fear...fear less. Muah!!! <3<3<3
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